Last week there were a couple of incidents that occurred which required me to chew on them a little bit. Even though I discussed them with my therapist almost immediately thereafter, I've still had to turn the situations over and over in my mind. In this whole process of transitioning, the "no-man's land" has certainly diminished, but these tiny cracks still exist, cracks inside which I can still become caught. Now that they're only slivers of space, they're even more uncomfortable to fall into.
One issue that arises for me now is dealing with my "non-school/non-pre-existing people" world and then dealing with my "knew-me-before" folks. Most of the people in the latter category have gotten on board, notably those who have stuck around and truly understand what this means for my quality of life. Basically all adults who have been on this journey with me and with whom I'm still in close contact have moved along quite seamlessly. To their credit, many of my students who have full disclosure have also done a remarkable job grappling with an issue that most grown people struggle to fully comprehend. Many of my students really do try to do the right thing where this is concerned, and a couple stand up for me when others still use incorrect pronouns. Overall, my personal life, which includes friends and family, and my work life, which includes colleagues and students, has been relatively painless. When the kids still use the incorrect pronouns, I realize that some are students who did not get to hear me discuss the situation last year and/or are young people who are dealing with the weighty issue of gender and what that really means. This comes at a time when many of them are still learning about gender as it pertains to societal norms/expectations, connection to one's physical appearance, etc. So overall, the work scenario is solid and anyone I still remain close to in terms of friends and family are still around for a reason.
As far as the people I interact with in my life who have never met me before, I have not had to worry about incorrect pronouns since about May or June. Today it's very much the norm for me to finally function as my whole male self out in the world. I can shop for the clothing I truly like without having to feel odd, the barber shop is a place that "fits" 100% now, and I can interact with people of both genders accordingly without feeling as if I'm "trying too hard" to be something others perceive I'm not. People in my predicament spend our lives examining ourselves and the world around us much more closely than others do. Just trust me on that one. So now I'm hyper-aware of how, after 38 years, I finally move freely about the world as my whole self. The outside world is more or less my oyster, and it feels so awesome to have my body match my personality and to feel like I make sense to others around me.
Regarding the others in the "knew-me-before" category, this can be folks who just haven't received full disclosure about me. Believe me, there are only certain conditions where a person would choose to reveal his back story. Obviously, as those of you who read my blog regularly can tell, I write about it for the world to see, and I plan to try to write a book about my personal trans experience eventually. This sort of "self outing" would only be my choice because I want to help people both in and out of the trans community. I think it's important to use my situation to foster a personal, human-to-human connection that could potentially help trans folks to better navigate their own journeys or to help the non-trans community reassess their own gender biases and eradicate the belief that trans people are freaks, mentally ill, or any other disparaging descriptor that tends to be applied to trans people.
Having said that I realize I write this blog and plan to write a book, I know it will sound strange to say that I don't find it comfortable to tell everyone I've already known in my life prior to transitioning about the situation. For instance, I have not told parents of my students, because I don't deal with them on a daily basis like my students. Also, I have not been able to devise a plan of action for that, something that makes revealing my circumstances bearable for me and meaningful for the parents. Truth be told, we have parents who have been (to my colleague) or most likely would be quite nasty regarding the transgender topic. The parents at school are either people who knew me before (and I'm getting to the incidents last week) or those who are new to our school. The new parents only see a guy. And I simply like to run with it, so I do - there is no need to explain something that I find to be so obvious. There are also people in the building where I work who have known me going on three years, and I did not deem it necessary to disclose this to them, either. I don't have to work with them day in and day out, so I just sort of roll with it and take things as they come the best that I can.
It is this issue that has been a little tough on me lately. Last week, one of the security guys was talking to me about a situation that happened the previous night, and he referred to me as "she" and the gym as "her gym." Now when that happens, it's indescribable. I think the only way I can try to put it into words is that it's like a gut-punch and then I check out. My therapist helped me nail it down a little more: technically it's dissociation, and for me it feels like an out of body experience. Since this gentleman for whatever reason views my physical self as still female (though I don't know how or why - it's interesting how some people refuse to believe what's right in front of them), I honestly feel like my mind and soul just pop right out and refuse to be referred to that way. I sort of mentally glaze over and try to maintain control while thinking of how to slither out of the situation without any fuss.
The next night, at report card night, the parent of one of my former advisees called me "she" as well. Clearly, the student did not discuss my situation with her mom, and that's no fault of hers. I'm sure kids don't know how to broach that topic with their parents; I sure as shit don't know how to broach it with their parents, so I don't feel betrayed when they have not discussed it with their parents. The same thing happened when the parent used incorrect pronouns: I just checked out and tried to keep my expression from betraying me by hinting at my real thoughts. Luckily the conversation was able to end almost immediately and I could slip away. Another gut punch. Another invalidation of the person I feel is so clearly standing in front of people and that I have always known myself to be.
I realize that gender is supremely difficult for people to see in shades, degrees, on a spectrum. It's like we live in the Matrix, the thing which tells us how we should think. Parameters are established and we follow suit. Whether it's a societal "norm" or expectation, or a cultural one, or a familial one, we often blindly follow along because it's what we learned. Gender is still seen in very binary terms all over the world, though some cultures are a little more progressive. There were Native American values that centered around the "two-spirited" person, and often these people were viewed with great esteem. I enjoy knowing I would have been admired if I had lived in an indigenous Native American tribe with this belief. :) I probably would have been able to successfully hunt tatanka like a pro and impart my wisdom to the others in the tribe as I would have been viewed as a spiritual asset.
I endeavor to remain empathetic to people working within the only constructs they know, the whole "sugar and spice and everything nice" concept. I'm not saying gender markers or feeling as though one can clearly interpret another's gender are not important. Gender is a very intuitive thing, and it's so integral and innate to who we all are and we interact with other people. However, the time has come when people need to understand that a person's body is not necessarily the correct indication of his or her gender. When puberty turned my body into something I could hardly bear to live inside, I knew it was not an accurate reflection of the mind and soul inside. People often believe they know better than the person expressing this anxiety, but they often know nothing of the issue. This is especially true in children. Luckily, many families are beginning to listen more to their children and take them more seriously in regards to how they identify in terms of gender. Sure, some children go through honest exploration phases involving gender roles, but typically if a child consistently and persistently expresses a particular gender regardless of his or her biological and chromosomal manifestations, the child may well be his/her expressed gender.
I have never wanted to wear feminine clothes, I gravitated toward activities our society deems more masculine, and I was always attracted to women in terms of intimacy. I wanted "boy" toys such as GI Joe, video games, and this rad bike my parents got me in the 5th or 6th grade. From the earliest times I can remember, I loved sports and physical activities. This doesn't mean those things aren't right for girls, too. I'm no sexist, believe me. But in terms of how our own society assigns things to boys and girls to do, I found the "boy" stuff to be way better. It was always my dream to play football in school, go on a date with a girl, and wear 100% guy clothing. Because I had to "survive" I chose to try to find some sort of strange happy medium (see: terribly mulletudinous haircut I rocked for about 6 years and odd blending of clothing). Life until not too long ago was lived with a suppressed anxiety that I had no outlet for (except music - refer to previous post about RUSH). What choice did I have? I didn't want to rock the boat too much for those around me, and I was afraid on many levels (I'll write more about that in a future post).
I suppose that this post is my way of imploring you to work to become more sensitive to how gender can be expressed. It's really a plea for people to understand that humans come in all varieties, and that's what makes humankind interesting. Gender is only one of those variances, but it seems hardest for people to tackle because it's not quite as set in stone as something like skin color or other genetically expressed traits. Gender is such a complex spawn of the brain, the development of the psychological mind, and the true spirit of a person. It falls on a larger spectrum than the binary, black and white version most people know. It's important for many reasons that we all try to see past "the Matrix" and work on connecting with others at a more fundamental level than what we have been told matters: looks, clothing, anything that relates only to physical presence. It's important to understand and accept that not everyone believes exactly what you do, or thinks the way you do, but that at the most basic levels, human beings have so much more in common than not. We all have hopes, dreams, fears, worries, and questions about life. We all laugh, cry, eat, celebrate, mourn, love, wonder, and require the companionship of other humans. Try to strip away all of your "rules" for being and just try to relate person to person.
And since we celebrate Thanksgiving Day tomorrow, I am truly grateful for everyone who has continued on in my life's journey with me, especially those of you who have sought to gain real understanding of my transition. I could not be more blessed than to have those kinds of friends and relatives. Obviously, all of you must have always known the real me, and that's a connection that can never be replaced. If anyone ever has requests on topics they'd like me to write about, please let me know. I welcome comments and suggestions, so please jump in and be part of the dialogue. (The less people don't know, the less hate and misunderstanding we will have. I recently had a friend ask if she could recommend my blog, and I said of course! Please pass it along to anyone you think may benefit from it or be curious about this topic.) Many, MANY thanks to all of you and I wish you the happiest holiday tomorrow as you recount your own blessings with friends and family. Thanks for reading, friends. You are all much appreciated!
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