As we watch the sands of 2012 drain away to the bottom of the hourglass (or "yearglass" in this case), I took a minute to stop and think about the events of my life that were packed into 2012. I was prepared to just let 2012 go like any other year, but I gave myself that time to reflect, and I remembered what a year it really was.
It's certainly a unique experience to essentially start the year as one person and end it another. For me, it was really just the real me emerging, but to most everyone else it was a more definitive thing. Some see it as maybe this kind of black and white experience where first there was "Amy," a female person, and then there was "Jonah," a male person. I can see how many would find it to be that way because through no fault of their own so many of the people in my life either decided long ago I was "Amy" (because they had the power to create that idea of me) or had to know me as "Amy." In many people's minds, I made this choice to turn myself into "Jonah" and force something to change.
Let's take this moment to make something very clear: inside, I've always been Jonah. No, there was no male name assigned to me in my own head because I was living in the Matrix that is our modern American society, and the assignment of an X or Y chromosome and the development of some features between your legs gets to automatically dictate your gender; therefore, I was called "Amy" and gently nudged in the direction of becoming a female - but I was always male and knew it. Biological sex is often correctly aligned with a person's psychological makeup, so everyone assumes those tangible bio-genetic markers are the end-all, be-all in terms of how someone's gender is determined, but there are indeed many times when this psychological development and biological development do not align. I'm pretty sure that most of you knew your gender with 100% certainty without only using what was between your legs to figure it out. Even though it is nearly impossible to avoid society's impositions on people in terms of gender roles most of you understood very well what your gender was even in the face of American society's ideas of what males do/wear/act like and what females do/wear/act like, and were probably just fine with your gender and how you presented as the males or females you knew yourselves to be.
Remember, too, how gender exists on a great continuum, and more likely on a 3D type graph where I imagine three axes exist: one that shows the spectrum of gender from female to male, one that shows the spectrum of sexual identity/orientation, and one that shows the spectrum of conformity to societal "rules" regarding gender expression. There are very masculine gay males who wear full beards and leather and perhaps more resemble our society's idea of a biker than a gay man (and some of them may be bikers). There are decidedly tomboyish married women who might play lots of sports and never want to put on too much make-up or wear heels. There are effeminate men who are straight, butch women who are bisexual, and a whole gamut of people all over this 3D spectrum. I've mentioned it to some extent before, but the Matrix of society wants you to think it's all just this very simple binary world: black/white, colors/brights, left/right, male/female, gay/straight (and for some that's a little too progressive), skirt/pants, dolls/toy trucks, cheerleaders/ballplayers, breadwinner/homemaker, and whatever else we may need to divide into two neat little piles. But this is not how human beings work, and you'd think by now most people could understand that.
So looking back on 2012 and all I had to experience/endure to allow everyone to finally see the real me, I became even more aware of the diversity that exists in the human race but especially that as it pertains to gender and the expression thereof. Gender is that final frontier that people seem to really struggle with because many want it to be as simple as looking in someone's underpants and having the answer. When babies are born hermaphroditic, most parents and doctors decide that it's easier to remove something right away and "fix" the problem rather than let the person develop wholly and determine his/her own gender identity. I've heard of more than one "girl" who whose physical fate was decided shortly after birth who later could not figure out why his body was "female." Gender, like someone's unique personality, does take some time to develop; just as a toddler begins to show signs of individuality, so too does the gender begin to emerge regardless of whether or not parents try to get their children to fit neatly into one of the two gender boxes society provided.
And what did I have to experience/endure? I had to tell the two upper grades of my school the full truth about me. Of course I am sharing many things with so many, but this was a different story. It invites my own students, many of whom do not have the capacity to really process this, into my very innermost private life. There is no way for me to hide it, though, and I was going to expect to be addressed accordingly, so I had to tell them for sure. That has not gone too badly overall, and many of them are doing their best to handle it well, even if they don't fully understand or agree with this process. That experience is still bittersweet as I have had some students laud my bravery while others have tried to hit me where it hurts with this knowledge; I'd say that's a 70/30 ratio right now.
I had to alter my body through hormones and surgery. Taking testosterone requires me to surrender my brain to it and allow my body to be ravaged with acne (because the first time wasn't fun enough). Yes, overall, transmen are very happy with T and all it does for us. It is gratifying to see your body take the shape you always knew it should have had and so that others saw the real you. But people should never be fooled into thinking it's just this giant cakewalk. When you are about to knowingly go through this process with a fully developed brain and all of the understanding of what "puberty" really means, it can be a little exhausting. You use your maturity and life experience to override the way T chemically alters your brain. It's like being a thousand percent aware that you are a raging perv but having to spend a lot of energy scolding yourself about it.
Though my chest surgeon is considered the foremost expert in "top surgery" in America, and overall it was relatively painless for a major surgery, it's not all unicorns and rainbows. I am 5 months post-op and still have some pains here and there from the scarring. Pull-ups are a nightmare sometimes! Until I've put in enough work and developed a little further from the T, my scars will remain pretty visible. There may never be a time when I can be on a beach without a shirt on. So while I have been freed in some ways, in others I may be even more trapped. Time will tell, but let me assure you that patience is a MUST when transitioning. Still, I feel very blessed to have been able to do these things so that I could finally be comfortable in my own skin, or more than I ever had been before. Becoming fully comfortable in one's own skin is often elusive and takes lots of work and introspection.
I spent the time and money needed to legally change my name and procure documents to prove this. According to the law and medicine, I am finally Jonah for the whole world to see. And while a name change in New York is relatively easy, it still requires one to make the time to get it done. Following that is the tedium induced by having to change your name on everything you can think of - accounts, previous records that you still have to use, and on and on.............. I'm actually still not done with all that. Some things are minor in terms of the quality of my life or how visible the item may be to the rest of the world or to my official business, so they sit on the back burner for now. Trust me, though, no one is going to tackle all of this unless it is the real deal. I assure you I was not trying to figure out how to be the most unique person all of my people knew.
So much of that glosses over the key points of the transition's role in my year of 2012. Aside from that, I got a new niece, my cousin got married and bought a house, I found out who really does know me and accept me, my awesome lady moved in with me, my best friend was Officer of the Year, and my uncle got a sweet promotion at his job (though he officially does not work in his new position until next week). I've been so lucky to have friends and family reach out to me to learn more, and so many others simply go with the flow, thereby expressing their understanding and acceptance of who I am. I've spent part of this year finally experiencing the outside world the way I've always wanted to. I look forward to 2013 being my first full year of life being my true self, and to continuing to try to better myself as a human being. 2012 was definitely a trip, and there is no doubt that my journey is over nor any inkling as to what may be ahead, but I do look forward to simply. Being. Me. I plan to find ways to use my experience to help others and to educate others, but I'm ready to just be another dude trying to survive in the world.
Here's to hoping that 2013 brings everyone blessings and joy, love and happiness, peace and good health. I am, as always, so appreciative of everyone who has been in my life, come into my life, and remained in my life as I've grown into the 13-year old pubescent boy you see before you. :) Yep, that's me: 13-year old brain in a nearly 39-year old body. But hey, I'm going to catch up fast, so keep standing by me and you'll see. Thanks, everyone, and I wish y'all the happiest New Year!
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