That past weekend I went to Baltimore to visit my brother and sister-in-law since my brother was there participating in a regional NFL Combine. I thought I'd lend some moral support to him and keep my sister-in-law company in those agonizing hours leading up to his call that he was ready to be picked up. I have to admit, I have to live this dream vicariously through him. Of course I want it for him because I know he's worked his butt off and is a decent human being, but there's that piece of me that can only ever experience it through him.
After he was done and we were all together talking about various aspects of the combine, my brother said something that I have spent a lot of time chewing on since Saturday. His statement was nothing that he intended to sound like he was whining about his situation or anything like that. He was simply comparing his situation to that of the guy he felt gave him the only real competition in the TEs group at the combine. The guy works as a bouncer for a living , thereby probably affording him ample time to train, and my brother is an accountant with a wife and two children who commutes 45 minutes each way to work and still managed to find the time to really intensely train for this event. That's all he was trying to say, and yes, that's definitely a lot to manage when chasing your dream of playing in the NFL. "I've got everything against me" was an innocent enough statement.
Now, don't get me wrong, I love my "little" (read: younger) brother like only a brother can love a brother; he's 6' 2", 240, so not exactly little. I am in no way judging him, just sharing a perspective that he and most other males do not really have. You see, when you're born into privilege and entitlement, you don't know any better. This doesn't mean you have to be born with a silver spoon in your mouth as most people must think entitlement and privilege must mean. You just have to be born male. Khaled Hosseini said it best in The Kite Runner when he talks about winning the lottery of sex, meaning he was born male and thus already a step up in the world.
As someone who has newly joined this boys' club, I can see male privilege so much more clearly than ever before. I really study people - always have - and I just see and hear things that guys don't even know they're doing. All you men reading this (all 2 of you, probably), I'm talking to you. Yes, no matter how sensitive you think you are, or how thoughtful you believe yourself to be, ultimately you're self-centered and don't understand what it means to have doors shut in your face. To sum it up: guys are egocentric dicks. We don't mean to be, but we just are (I'll say "we" because I'm guilty of it sometimes, just not as much as if I had been born in the body I should have had).
My brother has not had to grow up with anything off the table. Want to be a professional athlete? Why not! Dream of being President? It's possible - you're a man. Want to make a lot of money in a high-powered job? You have an excellent chance, sir. The glass ceiling does not exist for you, my man. (At this point I've clearly been speaking to all men directly, not just my brother.) Want to act like a depraved pig and still get away with it because it's just in a man's nature? Go ahead. As President, you can get a blow job under the desk in the Oval Office (OK, so that's not exactly how/where it happened but it may as well have) and people still think you're an amazing person! If a woman had been caught having any sort of extramarital affair, she'd be seen as a slutty, emotionally challenged whore who clearly isn't capable of being the leader of the free world. See how her judgment is so compromised?? She's weak, and can't be tough enough to do this job. It was probably her clothing that made the guy want her, and she was a weakling who gave in. Oh phooey! Why am I even bothering to flesh out this analogy? A woman can't be President!! WTF was I thinking!? Hasn't happened yet, and that's because that door is still closed to women. But for men, that door is open just by the mere fact that one chromosome says so.
Men just don't realize that the world is their oyster. They don't get that other people exist around them. Here are some more daily examples of men's behavior in this regard. Some guys came to our gym to play soccer one evening with one of my colleagues. Some of them were changing to play, and typically this meant taking off some type of warm-up pants to reveal soccer shorts underneath. But one guy took his pants off to reveal his boxer briefs! Right there in the gym! As he got his shorts on, I walked over to him to address that issue. As if on cue, two members of our women's track team walked out of the locker room to head home after practice. I told him stripping to one's underwear in the public area of the gym was inappropriate and pointed out that young ladies could have been present by gesturing to the young ladies walking out. He quickly conveyed his mea culpa by throwing a hand over his mouth and apologizing profusely. That's all well and good, but it's not good enough. How about, oh I don't know, not assuming that only guys will occupy the gym in a school building!?
Another example: a different colleague uses the gym to play basketball in the evenings with his league team. It seems that the gym is never restored to the condition I left it in when I finish my workday. Last week he also came into the gym during the final minute of my class and just opened the closet door and got out a basketball. I ever so passive-aggressively said, "I like how you assume my class is over." He gave me this look like he couldn't believe I just called him out on it. Yes, the bell was going to ring in about 30 seconds, but it's the principle of the matter. I wouldn't come into the music room and start jamming on the drums while he was finishing his class. Granted, my kids were dressing back for class and no instruction was taking place, but again, it's the principle of it all: he felt entitled to just do whatever he wanted with no regard for another. He's a nice enough guy who I do like talking to and shooting around with sometimes, but he's a male, and he was born into privilege.
Most people know some arrogant person who was born into financial privilege, and they walk around clueless as to how the real world works. Usually these people lack perspective on the world at large and develop very little empathy for others. This is the same with males. It's not that guys aren't nice because many are pretty sensitive (no, this doesn't mean you cry when your girlfriend makes you watch The Notebook, in fact it doesn't have anything to do with crying) people and can be considerate of others. But they're still privileged, therefore they don't realize what they're doing. "No" is not something they really have to consider very often because all professions are basically open to them, all opportunities are available to them, the whole world is their giant playground. None of them are necessarily trying to be egocentric they just don't know any better.
Having said all this, let me clarify something: I am not trying to say my brother is a jerk. Far from it. He's a responsible, committed, hard-working husband and dad who happens to be giving his dream one last shot. He worked his ass off to go to this combine and show what he can do. He cannot help that he has no other perspective because he really hasn't had to. Most people don't seek out the viewpoints of others. Empathy is an interesting thing to develop in someone and it's just not created in boys the way it is in girls (there are studies about this). Therefore, most guys just don't know what it's like to be "the other," the one who is bombarded in American society with images of male privilege: guys making the big money, guys running the government, guys being placed on a pedestal because they can run fast or throw a ball or beat a guy senseless, guys receiving sympathy because they are football stars when they are rightfully punished for raping an incoherent, basically unconscious drunk girl. This is what our little girls grow up with.
And this whole topic also translates to the hot-button issue of marriage equality. Seeing so many people on Facebook showing support for this reminded me of how this all ties together. Whether it's gender, race, sexual orientation, or gender expression, somehow there is always a group that is more privileged than another, one that sits higher on the totem pole than others. Currently it's the heterosexual white male who holds all the cards. How can a heterosexual white male possibly understand "no?" He gets to be married. He gets to have insurance for his spouse and kids. He did not have to jump through hoops for any of this. He does not get stopped and frisked by the police. He gets to sit on his high horse making decisions that are not culled from his wisdom, education, and experience, but from a few genetic markers that nature randomly assigned him. Throughout history, there have always been classes of people who felt it was their "divine right" to be who they were and have what they had (ask the British monarchy). I find it hard to believe that God, or whichever supreme deity one chooses to follow, would ever create something in the likeness of himself (or herself) to inflict pain and suffering on another likeness of himself (or herself).
Right now, the modern-day groups of people who believe they have the "divine right" are currently working hard to impose their will on others. They fear that if those who do not have suddenly have, it somehow diminishes their power or way of life. Many seem to define power as being able to deprive others of happiness or control. I can't figure out how that deprivation then in turn creates happiness for the oppressor, though. So far, all of the heterosexual marriages in the world haven't really directly impacted all the single people of the world. Well, aside from bridal shower/bachelor party attendance or as long as one of the betrothed doesn't creep with a single person and cause drama...
I hope that those entrusted with the highest judiciary power in this country come to realize that people wanting to marry want to do so for the same reasons heterosexual couples want to. Some want to marry for money, just like some heterosexuals do, and some want to marry for arm candy, just like heterosexuals do. But the very vast majority want to marry for love and commitment, to build a life together, and raise a family together, and have protection under the law in many areas... Just. Like. Heterosexuals. Do. Whoa, that's weird, people simply wanting the same thing others already get to have... As my ever-so-wise woman says, "Identify, don't compare." (I may be a typical male in many ways, but I know when to step aside and let a woman run the show.) Let's just hope that our nation takes a step forward in the march for human rights and equality. The time is now. HUMAN. RIGHTS. (Are not "special" rights...)
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