Quickie Catch-Up

Pardon me for the ginormous gap between the last post and this one. I had a few things derail my hopes of writing more regularly: surgery, falling in love, going back to school... You know, just some minor details. But I'm back now, and at the prompting of a friend about writing a blog, I want to definitely keep the Franksperience moving along for everyone. I've had this blog for a while, clearly, but just allowed myself to be neglectful of it.

As many who may read this already know, I am transitioning and announced that recently on Facebook. The support has been truly core-shaking. I feel beyond grateful for the wonderful people in my life on some level, whether it's work, long-time regularly-contacted friend, or folks I have had great life experiences with (football, teaching, school, etc.) who I am still fortunate enough to be able to stay in touch with on Facebook. All of the people who have chosen to stand by me or at the very least try to understand are all blessings in their own right.

Just to provide a little more insight to it all, yes, I have definitely thought about this for oh, 37 (almost 38 - yikes!) years. As long as I have had memories, I have felt like a boy. I have photographic proof! :) But really, I think we would be remiss if we don't believe children when they express identity in any way at a young age. Some are simply doing what chidren do: playing and experimenting. That's perfectly healthy. Children should be allowed to imagine. Some move along through little phases and most certainly develop self-awareness at varying points in their lives in terms of gender identity. Others of us, though, I'm sorry to say, are not going through a phase. Speaking only for myself, I can assure you that as long as I can recall memories, I have felt like a male. Spending time in this body has been a very difficult thing, especially at the onset of puberty. It felt like the ultimate betrayal. I can only make this analogy: for the most part, a boy or man would feel terribly embarrassed to go out into public in a dress and heels. For me, this has been every single day of my life. It's basically a humiliation to travel around in this body.

And trust me when I say it's an emotional conflict. On one hand, I do not want to appear ungrateful for the blessing of physical good health. In my mind, the opportunity to transition is a first world problem. I am blessed to merely have the choice, regardless of how many people may still think it's an abomination. The bottom line is, I will get to do it and find peace. On the other hand, the mental and emotional anguish I have harbored all this time, especially since middle school (where the rumor went around that a cute boy walked into the wrong locker room on the first day of school), have become unbearable. Life felt like its hands were closing tighter and tighter about my throat. My relationships, until this one (because she could tell what I really was all along), were doomed to fail because I was not my true self. And that is simply unfair to both parties.

So....... (exhale) here I am. I am finally embarking on something I wish I could have done years ago but know that God's plan required me to go this route. A) I think New York City was my destiny because it is so much more accessible for trans-people (or anyone else who is "different") and B) the love of my life was here. The grand scheme of everything unfolded just as it should, and now I have an amazing job, the opportunity to self-actualize in a free country where so many have made the ultimate sacrifice just so I can live this way (yes I carry thoughts like that with me all the time), and a beautiful, talented, smart and funny woman who stands by me 100%. Top that off with so many friends who have done nothing but demonstrate why they are my friends to begin with, and I cannot ask for anything more.

I have to close for now, but I look forward to capturing this experience for anyone who wants to follow along to understand more, learn, laugh, cry, or whatever the spirit moves you to do. At one time I mulled what this means for my life, and I told my therapist that although I had initially wanted anonymity down the road, I think I have a responsibility to educate people and work to connect humans at the core. I was not always aware of that, but I know I have a larger purpose. God does not allow the weak in heart, soul, mind, and spirit to be in my shoes. Thanks to everyone who has shown the love as of late and I will keep the blog updated way more regularly now. If I can serve my people with humor, sensitivity, and compassion, I think I will rest well every night from here on.

Peace and love, everyone.