Last night at our second official NYC GLSEN (Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network), we tossed around some ideas for how to really put on good presentations at the schools in the NYC area that we will soon be visiting. Quick side note: NYC, at our collective astonishment, had no GLSEN chapter until a friend of my girlfriend's decided to start one. Weird. It's NYC, land of every type of human to exist, I think.
Any way, as we discussed how to really engage kids on the topic of GLBTQ issues and bullying specifically, one idea that developed was word association. This can often be a powerful way to tap into people's subconsciousness and allow them to be truthful about their own biases. Many of us don't believe we are biased about different kinds of people, but try taking some of the Harvard Implicit Association Tests [IAT] (https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/) and see what the results are. Many of us don't really know our own minds deep down inside, and if we are aware of certain biases, we certainly don't admit them aloud. So the word association idea was sort of a simple version of an IAT that the kids could do to see how they genuinely feel when they are shown certain words.
Of course, we must frame this activity by reminding kids that honesty is the only way to make progress, and that the space we are working in is a safe place for truthful dialogue. Also reminding them that discomfort is a requirement to grow and learn is imperative. Once that foundation is laid, we would show words like "fag," "dyke," "homo," "tranny," and so forth. The object is for kids to spend a minute writing down everything they associate with those words. From there, a discussion can blossom. Simply educating students on various words in their literal sense, such as "transgender" and "homosexual," is also an important component of the dialogue.
This idea in our meeting got me to thinking about a couple of things. First, I thought about the way people react to some of these words in general. I am going to stick to only three for this post: heterosexual, homosexual, and transsexual. The first word, heterosexual, is defined as "sexually attracted to people of the opposite sex." The root of that word is the sexual part because the word is defining something very specific about a human behavior.
Having said that, it seems like when people are generally thinking about the word itself or couples consisting of a man and a woman, their thoughts don't just automatically go to sex. Right now marriage equality is the hot topic, and for many people, same-sex marriage causes a sense of discomfort. One reason for that is because somehow, in the case of same-sex couples wanting to marry, everything centers around the bedroom. It becomes all about sex, and people forget that in any relationship, there sure is a lot more to it than sex. So the term heterosexual literally defines a person's sexual habits, but rarely yields associations with sex. Mostly people have associations of things like "normal," "natural," or "correct" when they think of that word, unless they're a militant person on the queer spectrum, and then maybe they conjure up the term "breeder" is that derisive way a guy I knew in college would.
Conversely, homosexual is defined as "sexually attracted to people of one's own sex." Again, this word's definition is quite literal and narrowly focused on sexual behavior. Unlike the word heterosexual, though, people seem to most certainly laser in on the sex part of the definition. It's all about the sex part, and all too often the collective thoughts people have when presented with this word is that it's all about deviant sexual behavior. Since people seem to think that the homosexual's life is fully consumed by sex, they then equate that to what will be going on in a same-sex marriage. People of the same sex will get married and do nothing but have sex, and since that sex cannot result in procreation, this endless sex serves no purpose but to pervert society and screw up the whole nuclear family paradigm. Homosexual for much of our society seems to bring on far too much needless, ignorant negative connotation.
If heterosexual means something to do with sex, why don't people automatically think about straight people's sex lives as soon as they hear that word? Heterosexuality is viewed as normal, and normal doesn't invite further scrutiny because it does not create dissonance. Normal is calm, quiet, and accepted. But anything remotely against the grain or off the beaten path creates curiosity, fright, wonder, and so on. Homosexuality is still "unnatural" or "abnormal" so it continues to invite that scrutiny and discomfort. Of course, there was a time that being black invited scrutiny and discomfort and was considered wrong, too. At least we finally got past that as a society (in most places, any way).
The associations with these two words are still pretty polarized, but homosexual is a word that is at least more commonplace in the American vernacular now. It causes people to bristle less now than they did thirty years ago. The Fred Phelpses of the world will linger, but they are becoming a much smaller fragment of our society. Tolerance is a start, but full-on acceptance that some people are simply made that way is really the goal. I mean, how would you like it if your mom told you "I tolerate you, honey" while growing up? Tolerating something means dealing with it, not eliminating it but definitely not embracing it. I tolerate sagging because I have no other choice and am not allowed to go around pantsting all the guys who do it. I absolutely do NOT embrace it and hope for more of it. Thus, tolerance versus acceptance.
Finally, there is the word transsexual. This word is defined as "a person born with the physical characteristics of one sex who emotionally and psychologically feels that they belong to the opposite sex" or "a person who has undergone surgery and hormone treatment in order to acquire the physical characteristics of the opposite sex." Both of these apply to me personally, and for some people, it may be only the first. Not all transsexuals undergo any type of surgery or hormone treatment, so just know that transsexual does not always mean that. Notice that any mention of sexual behavior is absent from this definition. Yet again, the word invites people to scrutinize. People typically associate this word with "freak," "mentally ill," or "crazy." People also tend to immediately think of what happens between a person's legs when they discover someone is transsexual. The term transgender is more closely aligned with the first definition of transsexual I listed above, and it also invites some negative connotations.
Many people really believe that our bodies reflect our whole selves, and that whatever the body is, so is the person. People often forget that a human being is a complex organism consisting of an amazing melding of organ systems, neural pathways, a brain, and most importantly, a psyche, which is defined as the "human soul, mind, or spirit." These things are not tangible and are essences. They are what really makes a person an individual. And because we cannot quantify how these things work, we struggle to understand them. People who are fortunate enough to be absent of any type of mental illness or disability and are correctly aligned in psyche and body could never understand anyone who falls short of that God-given perfection. Some people at least try, and are self-aware enough to know that they are imperfect in certain ways, so they develop some inkling of what it means to be different in some way.
People often find it abhorrent that someone would "mutilate" their bodies to look like the sex they believe they are. How dare someone challenge God's perfection? How can you not just be a man or a woman since your biological body is? I mean, your body tells the whole story. Geez, just accept it already. And to that, I have always thought, "When people stop dying their hair or having nose jobs or wearing color contacts or putting on Spanx will I just accept my own body, too." And actually, it's not even that simple. Trans people often live in a quiet desperation, feeling humiliation every day they live simply because they know what they really are and cannot project that appropriately to the world. It's not about just wanting to be a little different, or experiment with a new look. It's about having a body that you really belong inside.
Since transsexualism involves much more than sexual behavior, it is the most taboo of the LGBQT spectrum. People collectively still think it's quite odd and that we are simply mentally ill. One of the reasons for this is the invisibility of trans people. Many merely want to transition and go about their lives quietly. Because most trans people will pass in their new bodies, they have the luxury of living as "normal" people, living as they have always wanted to. Unfortunately, there is still some degree of self-hate and internalization of the idea that being trans is the most freakish form of humanity. In reality, many people are, and either quickly assimilate as their new sex or more tragically kill themselves before finding the help they need to make the changes they so desperately desire.
It is this silence in the trans community that troubles me. I'm still determining my own role in this movement, and in educating people about the plight of many trans people. No one can learn the rate at which this happens if everyone disappears, or if a few well-adjusted folks don't speak up about it. The more of us people can know and learn about, the more "normal" it becomes. Normal seems to be applied as a label to things in large numbers, so hopefully some day there will be enough numbers of visible trans people to help ease the minds of the perfectly-aligned people out there. It's something that is far more common than people realize, but so often the transman or transwoman "blends" after they transition, and that's that. Only those closest to them know the story, because telling your story needlessly (i.e. to those you really don't have to) only invites being put under a microscope. I'm not really interested in telling someone who didn't know me before my transition that I'm a transman as opposed to just a man because I'm not real interested in them immediately thinking about my crotchetal region. Oy!
For now, I hope everyone will work less from a person's "labels" and more from the actual person. We have to look past clothes, tattoos, race, gender, etc., and look right into the person's soul. Everyone that has let you really know them has given you a true gift, the same true gift I hope to give all of you. Not that knowing me is a gift; I'm not trying to toot my own horn. But the vulnerability of sharing something this personal and "taboo" in America is quite a look into my soul, and that is the real gift. I, too, appreciate the real gifts many of you have given me as well. Thanks for tagging along, friends. Remember to savor every great interaction you are blessed to have with your friends and loved ones. Peace.
Knowing you is a gift. <3 Thanks for the education. Peace- jenn
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