Tonight my guys had a basketball game, one in which they got their asses handed to them pretty badly. There are many reasons we fall short of so many teams: lack of overall skills, defeatist attitude at times, failing to flat-out go balls to the wall and hustle, limited basketball IQ, etc. The final score was something like high-50's to 8-9. That's how much I have to tune it out to try to remain focused on just helping my guys improve little things in the game.
After the game, one of the officials, who made his share of questionable calls I might add, came up to me and made a comment along the lines of "You don't have any help here, do you?" I sort of "scorted" (scoffed and snorted) and said, "Not at a charter school." To clarify, charters like mine are very academically oriented, and we tend to attract kids from families who live places where they simply don't accept the neighborhood schools, and the kid gets lucky enough to get selected in the lottery. We don't tend to look as "inner-city" as some of these other "charters" we play that don't have the most hard and fast organizational structure, policies, etc. Overall, my charter's focus is very academic. Athletics as a whole is something I am allowed to build up to the best of my ability, but I honestly don't know if we will ever achieve powerhouse status in basketball. Therefore, due to our intense focus on academics and the way budgeting works, having anyone from within the school available to help coach is just not going to happen because we can't afford to hire anything but full-time teachers. I was lucky enough to have one of my colleagues sacrifice his valuable time while I was out, but it's not terribly realistic to ask a full-time academic teacher at a school like this to coach. This is not public school, and it's certainly not Texas, where athletics is a crucial part of a school's culture. (Don't try to diss my grammar here - athletics is a singular noun.)
So... Back to the official's comment. He asks about the help situation, I scort, and then he says, "Let me give you my card so the kids can get some individual help." Exsqueeze me?? Presumptuous much?? There is so much wrong with all that that I can hardly figure out where to begin. I'll tie it back to the title of this post, though, because that's the heart of my issue here. As someone who has always felt male but traveled around in this female body, I've had to put up with certain behaviors from males in male bodies. Guys who have had male bodies all their lives really have never had the pleasure of being condescended to by another man the way men tend to condescend women. So this man sees a "woman" coaching a men's basketball team and assumes because we lost so badly, I just don't have what it takes. Some might argue I'm reading into the situation, but I don't think so. He honestly has no clue about the message he unintentionally delivered by assuming I need help, that maybe I don't know the game as well as he might, etc. If my colleague, who is male in a male body, had been coaching instead, I have no doubt that the official would never have tried to initiate this conversation with him.
The reason this infuriates me is that he is not the first man to do this. Another official acted like he wanted to step in and "help" me. First of all, excuse me, dudes, but uh, I went to college for this and have pursued it as my profession all my life. Maybe if you wanted to coach that badly, you would have found a way to do so in the scholastic setting. Quit undermining the fact that I actually persevered to get where I am now, and stop assuming that you probably have so much more to bring to the table.
Secondly, I don't see refs approaching the male coaches they perceive to be male* and offering up their services. Just concentrate on calling the damn basketball game fairly, consistently, and halfway competently, and leave the coaching to me. They don't know that we can only basically practice an hour a day 2-3 times a week, and that I can't work miracles with what I've got. I don't even approach all of this the way they probably do. I've never thought that winning when coaching young people is the end-all, be-all. I just hope to teach some character, shown them how to apply basketball to life, and of course, improve their skills in the sport a little. But I assure you, I have a wealth of basketball knowledge and a high basketball IQ; slowly but surely, my program will improve. (*The phrase "perceive to be male" is used to illustrate how gender is outwardly identified.)
Finally, it's very hard to convey to anyone how frustrating it is to not be your full self. I approach the world as a male, but of course very, very few pick up on that and respond accordingly. It frustrates me that so many men in the world still view women as weaker, less competent, etc. No, I'm not a woman as it were, and I'm not here to get all feminist on anyone, but as someone who has had to endure those types of interactions because of my female body, I can sympathize with women when they are treated as inferior beings. I don't want to present as male simply so I can escape that, I just want to be fully me. However, it still chaps my ass when men talk to me the way they do. Women in sport settings still tend to get the shit end of the stick. Trust me, male officials get so much more agitated when a female coach questions their calls. Women are typically passed over in favor of men for athletics administrative positions. I still hear commentators refer to Coach K as the winningest coach in college basketball history when Pat Summit has him beat by a mile (she is the only coach with 1,000+). No one acknowledges her as THE winningest college coach in the history of the game, period. Only a man can receive that title, apparently, essentially negating her accomplishments in a career that has spanned the length of my whole life.
This kind of stuff goes on and on. I can only sit uncomfortably inside my skin, bristling at the fact that this person talking to me has no idea who I really am. I have NO doubt that next year, when I am seen as a male physically, I will be treated entirely differently by these same people. It has already been documented by many other transmen once they present as male: suddenly they have that whole male privilege thing, especially the white ones (and that opens up a whole other can of worms for another post some other day). It's crazy how gender is still such a signifier for sizing someone up. It's unfortunate that many men still approach women in this regard, as the big strong man who can swoop in and fix it all. Listen, I'm no doormat man, but I am smart enough to know that my woman is bossypants in my world. I would not love her the way I do if she were not strong, witty, smart, courageous, and independent, because I want someone who challenges me, makes me want to be a better person, not a girl who assuages me all the time and strokes my ego. Real men are attracted to women with those qualities: independence, intelligence, strength, fortitude, confidence. A real man knows he is such and understands that another person cannot make him less of a man, unless of course, your body belies your inner man. :) Any way, when I'm on the flip side of all this, I will certainly report back in my own little sociology experiment. Until then, I've got to suck it up and continue on my journey to fulfilling my true destiny in life, undeterred and with as much dignity as I can muster. Until then, I hope no more male officials tell me how they are going to help coach my team, because I'd hate to render them sterile with my foot. ;)
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