Tomorrow marks five months on T, and there have definitely been some observable changes in me, both physically and mentally. Since most people are typically interested more in the physical aspect, I'll start there. The first bonus is that my muscle mass has increased. I have upped my workout game a little, but still not to the level I truly aspire to. Despite this, what I have engaged in has worked in conjunction with the T to create a little more bulk on me. Specifically, my biceps, shoulders, and triceps have markedly improved. I'm noticing some more pec definition, and that is a good thing because it's a major focal point as I approach my top surgery in June. Additionally, my quadriceps are shaping up rather well, too.
The body fat distribution has shifted. I mentioned this before and it's pretty interesting to notice. I have dropped a few percentage points in that area, but my goal is to get down to 15% or lower in the next six weeks. I'm around 20% now, which is an improvement from the past where I hovered at 25%. My hips and thighs are slimmer overall, and my abdominal region is where I also try to remain focused. Body fat loss is a holistic thing, though, so in order to see improvement in any one area, you just have to lose it overall. My stomach, though, will always prove a tough challenge. A major and traumatic incision does not help much, but I will remain focused on my goals of better overall definition throughout, and the resulting tone/sculpting in the abs should come along as I stay the course in fighting the body fat war.
Being on T has reminded me that I have a great opportunity to physically change a lot for the better, so I have adopted stricter eating habits and tried to maintain focus on diet and exercise more than ever before. Thus far, it has shown some good gains. My diet modifications have involved primal or paleo type changes. I have not gone full-tilt primal because I still have dairy as well as various treats now and then, but for the bigger picture, I have changed dramatically. I eat lots of meat, cheese (which is NOT primal but I'm not going for perfection here), peanut butter, nuts, and salad with olive oil-based dressing. I do not have to worry too much about fats as it is the carbs that have to be monitored. I treat my carbs like Weight Watchers folks treat their points: I get so many a day, and I try to maintain that average over a time period. My goal is 80-100 g per day. To give perspective, the average candy bar has 23-31 g/carb and a can of soda has around 40 g/carb, and it's processed sugar at that. I try very hard to get the carbs from fruits and veggies, but some come from my peanut butter or trail mixes, too. Between this ideology in my eating and tracking my calories on my LIVESTRONG app on my phone, I have been able to really keep it all reined in very well. Diet is a major part of someone achieving weight/physique/fitness goals, so I have made sure to make it a priority in my life. This way, I can maximize on the benefits T has to offer, rather than expect changes to magically happen. If T were the cure-all, every teenage boy would be a beast, and we all know that's simply not true. ;)
Another physical component is that my face is beginning to be more chiseled, I guess you could say (I probably lack a better term for it). My jawline is more pronounced and square. Of course, I'm trying to judge this for myself by looking at photos and videos over a period of a few months, but objectively speaking, I am pretty sure I'm seeing those things in my face. Soon enough, I'll post these items and let you all judge for yourself.
My voice has certainly deepened. Honestly, I was not aware that changes were happening until I did my "time-lapse" comparisons of voice memos and videos. I listened to my voice five days after my first T shot, and then again to a voice memo made last week. The same thing occurred on my videos when I watched one made in early February and one made last week. When I do that, I can verify that stuff is happening. When you see yourself every day, it's just hard to notice, of course. Thank God for technology. :)
The acne situation is not abating much. I just roll with it and wash my face daily. It's going to run its course in that regard, so I just try to keep my skin clean. It's a habit that I have to re-incorporate into my life after many adult years where acne no longer really existed. My back is the toughest spot, so a nice long-handled bath brush and my facial wash from The Body Shop are my key arsenal on that front. Luckily, though, it's not so bad that I feel self-conscious about it.
My facial hair tends to return more quickly than ever now. I have not yet started to shave because I know that there is no turning back at that point. It's not that I don't want to do it; I definitely do! At this point, though, my name is not legally changed and I have to get all those ducks in a row in order to feel comfortable having some of the more masculine features come to light. As it is, I pass just about 100% of the time now and of course it's no issue just out and about. As I prepare to travel in June, though, I do worry a bit about not having my name changed yet (I doubt I will get it done by then). All I can do is cross that bridge when I get to it. So in the meantime, the hair trimmer/groomer is still in effect to keep my teen wolf managed.
Speaking of name change, that is one of the key challenges for a transperson. Between that and having the gender markers corrected on documents, transfolk can often develop a great sense of anxiety around this area. I have developed that anxiety to some degree, but I know it will happen soon enough. It's just the whole process of finding an attorney, figuring out how to manage the cost, and making sure you can be physically present for certain procedures. The first attorney I have spoken to is very competent but seems a little too expensive, and I have not had all of my questions/concerns addressed satisfactorily. For anyone who still thinks people who undergo this change aren't really the men or women they say they are, be mindful of the quite stressful processes we go through to make it happen. It's no case of mistaken identity or trendy thing or uncertainty in the least: if I'm going to have a major surgery (and pay $6K for it) and deal with our lovely and often discriminatory and judgmental court system (which for now I'm told will run me $3K, so I'm shopping around for my attorney), I'm pretty sure I've got a handle on my own realness as a man. This whole situation is one of the mental aspects involved; you've got to be mentally tough as you move through the transition. It's no cakewalk.
Another mental/emotional facet is how your brain operates under the influence. I do not get as emotional about things. The way I view the world is quite different. I catch myself objectifying women a little more. It doesn't mean I'm a pig, it's just hard not to break them down into parts and do so with some element of physical/sexual awareness tied to it. My therapist told me this would happen, and it is. This is not to say that I do so with desire in mind; in fact, I don't feel any desire for any woman aside from the one I'm with. It's just how hormones affect our brains. Though when I choose to write I can be pretty productive, I actually don't find myself wanting to talk as much any more. This could merely be me getting old and cynical, too, but I like to take things in more now. I find myself processing and analyzing more than just reacting. So these are a few "mind" things that have changed since being on T.
For now, I hope these updates satisfy the few inquiring minds out there who take the time to share this journey with me. I don't yet feel comfortable delving too deeply into other changes stemming from transitioning. In time, I probably will, as my ultimate goal is to help others at some point through sharing my own experience: the "Franksperience" as it were. Until next time, as my nod to Bowie above implies, time may change me, but I can't change time. Peace, peeps.
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