Newest Ultimate Pass Test

Just a quickie to say that Friday night, I went out to celebrate a co-worker's birthday (and I suppose the end of the school year).  There is a trendy little bar near his apartment not far from where I live, so I headed over to actually try to act like a not-so-old human being might on a Friday night.  The bar was the typical quasi-hispterish, young people joint that I am well-aware that I don't fit in at, and that's OK with me.  I enjoy sitting back and watching life happen.

For a while, I was the only co-worker there and I sat through some semi-awkward time with some of his friends from other aspects of his life.  That situation improved well enough, though, and some other co-workers finally showed up.  After an evening of screaming at each other in order to have a conversation, those of us who were less hip and energetic got up to leave.

As I followed my friends out, this guy sitting off to the side of the outdoor area kind of reached out for me.  I stopped and he apologized for doing that, said he was just trying to get my attention.  I said no problem and he proceeded to tell me that he and his female friend thought I was "so hot" but that she wasn't there at the moment.  I thanked him and told him that I wouldn't tell my girlfriend then strolled off.  (Of course I told my girlfriend later.)

It was a nice feeling, really, to be validated.  It wasn't so much about being found attractive as it was about simply being seen as male.  Even at Pride, I had a gay man thrust a Magic Mike ad card at my crotch and say "GOTCHA!"  Um, thank you my man, but I don't bat for your team (though I will cheer for your team all day).  So again, another gay man saw me as male, albeit a gay one, which is expected given that it was Pride.  Still, neither my lady nor I wish to see Magic Mike.  Sorry bro, we're not the target audience you're looking for.

Currently, I have made it to inside 30 days until what I feel will make me feel essentially 100% free in this world.  The surgery is July 24 and I can't wait.  I have four weeks to hit the gym hard and that's what I'll be doing to try to bulk up the best I can before then.  Once the surgery happens, I know that I will be able to really move about the world with supreme confidence and zero anxiety that I still have a "tell" that might hold me back.  I want to be free of feeling restricted; trust me, a chest binder is both a saving grace and a giant burden.  It's really not fun to wear something so constricting and non-breathable on these hot days.  Soon enough, though, I'll be rid of that and able to go on with my life the way I really want to.  I'll talk more about how it feels to not be able to even buy clothes the way you want another time because it's a whole other topic in and of itself.

Thanks again to everyone who takes the time to read my blog and gain a better understanding of what this experience may be like for folks.  If I can entertain sometimes, too, that's even better.  But I cannot express adequately enough my gratitude to those of you who have said such wonderful words of support and kindness.  Though this is the most harrowing yet rewarding experience of my life, it has also helped renew my own faith in people as I go through it.  So thanks again to everyone who chooses to learn and understand, as well as to those who have shared my blog with others.  The more we can get to read it, the better.  Take care, my peeps!